Give Me Patrick Kane

I enjoy cruising the Chicago blogsphere about as much as Patrick Kane likes closing time on 25-cent pint night, but I ran across this gem by the guys at Second City Hockey (thank to the WIM fellas) and it got me thinking – what if the Hawks really did want to trade Kane?

…and what if he ended up in Detroit?

Via SSH:

I’d tell you to grow the fuck up, but I don’t have to. The Hawks will. Because that’s the last step before they trade you Kane, and you know they will. You went through this last year, remember? And yet, according to people here and there, everything was handled privately. Won’t be this time. Don’t be shocked Kaner when McDonough or Bowman or somebody stands in front of a bunch of microphones and says something to the effect of “Patrick Kane has embarrassed the organization and his teammates.” It’s coming.

Let me state the obvious up front – Kane is not coming to the Wings.  Even if Bowman-The-Lesser decided to move him, there’s no way he stays in the division and even less a chance he takes the long swim across Lake Michigan to the fertile Michigan heartland.

But let’s just have some fun with this for a minute.  It’s Friiiiday, and you ain’t got shit to do.

Put together some odd semblance of a trade that packaged Flip and Shitbox, maybe a non-Goose prospect, and sent him to the Hawks.  Fire up the press conference with Holland sitting next to a wing/wheel’d Kane.  Hell, even slot him on a second line with Hank and ‘Tuzz.

Could it work?

Absolutely, and the more I think about it, the more I think this would be a genius move.  Here’s how.

Kane is a certified train wreck.  He’s building a cottage industry of public embarrassments for the Hawks that span multiple forms of automobile-centric transportation and his latest spat with a bunch of Wisconsin kids, well-document by the miracle of telephone cameras, looks right inline with what we’d expect:

Patrick, stop being an idiot.  Stop being an a-hole.  Seriously.  It’s enough.  A 23-year-old MAN is not a college student…unless he’s in medical school.  Last time I checked, the only doctor Kane is playing is in the back of a bar…assuming he hasn’t passed out yet.

Those aren’t my words.  Those came from Chicago Now’s Jay Zawaski, but they hit the nail on the head.

Kane is a moron.  He’s totally irresponsible.  He’s a millionaire living in Chicago with access to just about anything he wants, anytime he wants it, and without any of the normal filters…or friends, apparently…warning him to tap the breaks before his absolute gravy train of a hockey playing existence goes all Denzel Washington/Unstoppable.

On the flipside, Kane is also a 60-80 point-per-year forward with a reasonable $6.3 mil/year cap hit.  Both are numbers the Wings either covet or can live with.

Why are we even considering this?  In a word, “skepticism.”

I come from the incredibly skeptical camp on the Parise trade.  Just don’t see any way in hell he comes to Detroit, not with a team in New Jersey that’s hitting its stride and a million other teams willing to pay out the ass for his services.  If Parise goes back to the Jersey Swampland, the Wings are still in the position of needing a significant move in our top six forwards heading into next year.  Like him or not, Kane would be an instant upgrade at the position.

The question becomes his character, namely could the Wings reel in the misfit, get him focused on hockey and channel all that idiotocracy into something productive?

If there’s any team that could do it, it’s the Wings.  An arrogant statement, absolutely.  But one we have a resume to back up.  We’ve dealt with flamboyant personalities before.  We’ve had our share of juggernauts come into town and found a way to mold them into our system.  Most importantly, we’ve got a host of meat and potatoes guys who just traded their skates for suits that might be able to help.

Bring Kane to Detroit and assign Kris Draper to him.  Have Drapes follow Kane’s wanderlust around Southeast Michigan for a year or two…or ten, because there shouldn’t be any expectation of Kane “growing out” of this stage.  Drapes gets to do his Chuck Norris impression, keeping the cabbie puncher in check and finding those rare booze-less moments off the ice to impart the wisdom Kane’s father clearly never bothered to pass along.  Get Patty a home out in Novi next to the Swedes.  Get him out of Chicago, away from the hordes of brand new #88 jerseys, and into an environment where he can focus on the game.

When players go from Detroit to Chicago, they hold serve.  They have a solid regular season, get injured and disappear in the playoffs.  When Detroit takes on Chicago castaways, they find a home, regain their grit and turn into regular contributors, regardless of what their early career looked like.

There’s a lot of Wings fans hoping for a big-time offseason.  The solutions aren’t going to be anywhere near as clean as just snapping up Suter and Parise like a twack of Molson.  There’s going to be some sacrifice…some compromise…some deals where we have to lean back, crack the knuckles, and pray that Kenny still knows what he’s doing.

I say we roll the dice.