It’s election time in Russia, and if I know anything about Russian politics, I’m predicting it’s about time for the media to start flooding us with shots of Vladimir Putin hunting riding riding horses shirtless. Ah…right on prompt…thanks, CNN!
Looking through all those shots of the Russian Prime Minister tagging tigers, shooting whales off an inflatable boat with a cross bow and nurturing various equine sans-top, it makes me wonder if maybe my frustrations with Jonathan Ericsson aren’t just a matter of bad positioning. Putin has the Russian press machine working overtime spreading his image as a tough guy, and frankly it works. When you see his bald ass flipping some random can of tomatoes on in a judo tournament, you can picture him doing the same thing back in his KGB days. When you see him with a rifle in his hand, looking dangerously similar to one of the 15 people Jason Bourne killed in his three-part movie adventures, you wonder if he’s out hunting game or stalking some enemy of Mother Russia.
Ericsson turns 28 today. It’s been a big year for the fella. In relative terms (to someone with his utter lack of skills) he shattered the bank this offseason with a $3.25 mil/year contract. In today’s dollars, accounting for inflation and the down economy, that is a roughly $3.24 mil overcharge for what the man is capable of.
…or so it seems. Maybe we’re just being too hard on him. Maybe if he had a Putin-like media team at his disposal, we’d all think he was some kind of gigantic badass. Instead of ragging on ‘Ole Shitbox today, I’m offering my counsel as both a fan of Russian vodka women nightclubs politics and a PR practitioner on ways we can help reshape Jonny Rig’s image as an underachiever and general bitch. I’m stealing a few lines out of the Putin playbook as I do this, so if at any point you feel like I’m plagiarizing, that’s because I am. Consider the following images, and feel free to add any thoughts of your own.
Topline Ideas
Rig on a Bull – Take the Putin image of him riding a horse half naked and swap that for Ericsson, but on a much more Americanized steed: A national rodeo-caliber bull. Lay down a Toby Keith track about killing “foreigners” in the background and maybe airbrush in a bruise or two.
Rig in Camouflage (anywhere) – Those isolated pictures of Putin with a rifle could have been taken anywhere. Let’s give Jonny some context. Let’s put him somewhere in Western Michigan with a rifle that looks like it just came off a Band of Brothers Jeep and smear some paint on his face. You’ll have to find an already-dead turkey or deer for him to hold up, because you KNOW he’s not shooting that on his own (insert shooting accuracy/hesitancy jokes here), but nobody has to know that. Smile, hold the rifle in one hand and the dead animal in the other, and let the press start flying.
Rig as the next Joe Rogan – Prostitution Cage fighting has taken our country by storm, and nobody has benefited from this more than once-funny former comedian Joe Rogan. Why not give this a more international feel and swap Rig for Rogan. You’d add some height to the position and you wouldn’t lose any quality in the announcing. Everybody goes home happy. Except Rogan. But that’s OK. Maybe he’ll have a some personal time to re-dedicate himself to being funny again and stop looking like such a poser (yea, I’m bringing that word back too).
Ideas that didn’t quite make the cut due to lack of executability, budget, ethics…
Rig as the next Siegfried/Roy lion tamer apprentice
Rig as the guy who braves the rugged loins (as opposed to lions…see point above) possessed by Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger’s brazilian bikini guy
Rig as a stand-in for this guy the 2012 remake of Scared Straight
What am I missing here?
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