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5on5 with Russian Machine Never Breaks

Posted by Rob Discher at 10:02 am 3 Responses »

Oct 242011

We’ve all had some rugged Saturday nights. …those evenings where, the morning after, you roll over, realize what you did the night before and start to panic. You coyote your way out of bed, grab your pants and wallet (f the shoes!) and scramble out the door. You do everything you can to block the vague memories from that night out of your head.

Maybe we’re growing up here…or maybe we just need to get our belt back…but today we’re having the proverbial “cup of coffee” with the Saturday night massacre that was the Capital City Blowout. We’re talking with Peter Hassett from the highly entertaining, multimedia ornamented Capsblog Russian Machine Never Breaks. We open back up the FIVEonFIVE segment from last year with a discussion about past trades, early season successes and expectations. …and the cinematic delight, Bring it On. Peter’s responses to our questions are below. Ours will be posted on RMNB later today. Head over there and show our Saturday night fling some love.

**Update: Our responses are up on RMNB here.

1. Compare the Caps trading Robert Lang to Detroit back in 03-04 to the indians’ sale of Manhattan…who came out ahead here?

What a perfectly timely question! Lang was the solitary bright spot on the Caps during a very dark period (that came very close to losing me as a fan forever). Trading him to Detroit in exchange for some magical beans was naive and foolish at the time. But from those magic beans grew #52 Mike Green, who scored twice on your Wings on Saturday and got himself four points in toto.

So yeah, the purchase of Manhattan was the most profitable transaction in the history of all time ever, but that place still gets regularly attacked by bed bugs, Magneto, and the Cloverfield monster. The only things Mike Green has to worry about are errant pucks and dirty hits from the entire Atlantic division. Let’s go with Green.

2. If Boudreau were using ice cream to lure little kids into a white van instead of eating it all himself, what’s his go-to flavor? Do kids even respond to vanilla any more?

I can’t speak for the kids, but if Bruce Boudreau had a quart of Cold Stone Creamery’s Peanut Butter Cup Perfection, I’d jump in that unmarked van with a quickness. That might even get me to read his book, Gabby: Confessions of a Hockey Lifer. JK. Nothing could make me read that.

3. Despite their early season success, my concerns about Colorado actually turning out a decent team this year over an 82 game season are negligible. That said, it makes me sad that they suck so bad because it takes the heat off a once-great rivalry. Are you secretly pulling for the THID to come back right now so you can have the gratification of beating them full-strength or is any Pens beating a good Pens beating?

Whenever I have an opportunity to quote the film classic Bring It On, I take it: ”I define best as competing against the best there is out there and beating them.” Torrance Shipman was so right when she says this. Caps fans want the Penguins at their best for the sake of both teams, the rivalry, and the sport.

That said, I wanna take a little bit of air out of this rivalry’s tires. The Caps have stomped the Penguins in the regular season for the last billion years. But in the postseason– when it really counts, the Pens have been the snooty doormen sending our Caps away from the cool dance club and back to some dingy dive bar. I predict the Caps will continue shellacking the Penguins in the regular season, but it won’t carry any meaning until the two teams meet in the playoffs again.

P.S. – We’re oddly invested in the Avs this year. If they miss the playoffs, our team gets a sweet draft pick. So “Go Wings Go!”

4. A brief google sweep reveals that Ovechkin is hitting this …or at least he was back in 2008. Given how ugly the women in DC are, don’t you think it’s unfair that he’s not localizing his tastes more and going for less-prime tail?

We live, breathe, sleep, eat, and defecate hockey on our blog. We’re scouring the news feeds, skimming the stats, and rooting through the trash cans at Ketler Capitals Iceplex on a regular basis. That said– even we cannot keep up with the thrill-a-minute action of Alex Ovechkin’s love life.

Ovi has been caught on video saying that he prefers Russian women, but that was for some Russian program– so he might’ve been tailoring the message to the audience. That or his mom is forcing him to date хороший русские девушки. It doesn’t matter; his proclivities are his own, and we’re not out to judge him.

And if he’s only interesting in Russian ladies, that leaves more beautiful, intelligent, and charming women of the DC/Metro area for the rest of us. Me in particular.

5. I’m not wholly against Detroit joining the Eastern…even the Southeast division…under the condition that Florida is somehow removed from the league or pushed off into some Cubano development league. Politically speaking, is this second option possible?

Florida is one of the most interesting teams in the league, so I’m totally against it! They’ve become the retirement home for all the old Capitals players, and now we get to visit our old buddies six times a year. Plus their season ends promptly at the beginning in April, so they all get maximum time to work on their suntans and practice bocce. Works out perfectly for everyone.

And I’ll thank you not to insult Liga Nacional de Hockey de los Cubanos, which is home to some talented hockey prospects that we’re tracking pretty closely. The pace of their games is really fast, they’re scoring a lot of goals, and next year they’re planning on adding ice– so it should get even better.

Post-Game… courtesy of Tyler (get the popcorn)

Posted by Michael Petrella at 10:44 pm 7 Responses »

Oct 212011

(Note: tonight’s post-game was written by our very good friend, the quasi-retired All-World blogger Tyler from The Triple Deke. While he is enjoying his time in metaphorical Florida, playing shuffleboard and eating dinner at 3pm, he has an open invitation to contribute here — and we hope he takes us up on it, or — at least — re-opens the doors to the mecca that was TTD.)

Well, what an honor this is, gracing the pages of The Production Line, a site that I remember reading about as a little boy in Sports Illustrated, and a site that one John Keating described as, “Prime naked reading with the lights out material” live, on the air, while eating a bushel of curly fries in the mold of Chris Hollis’ head. Definitely the high point in my life, I’d say. I just wish the high point of my entire life were graced with tiny golden giraffes and strippers strewn about on the furniture like a week’s worth of laundry. Instead there’s 26 empty Vernors cans, a picture I drew of me and Mike Babcock in a 3-legged sack race, and a cat licking his balls. Fuck me.

To the game bullets!

Jeff Carter was out as he continues to nurse a hairline fracture. What a pussy. Ryan Getzlaf has been playing with this injury for like four straight years.
Larry Murphy on Shea Weber’s $2,500 fine: “That’s a non-suspension”. Which is sort of like saying a tree is a non-suspension. So is an apple pie. So is a speeding ticket. So is James Earl Jones. None of these things are suspensions.
Red Wings are 5-0-0-(0?) for the first time in four decades. When contacted by the media the Detroit Lions responded, “CAN WE JUST HAVE ONE FUCKING THING?”
Mickey Redmond called the suspension-laden preseason, “The ol’ spend a nickel to make a dime theory.” I’ve never heard this phrase, but I always enjoy new synonyms for “New York Islanders”.
FSD showed a cool clip of Datsyuk and Hudler working at Tim Horton’s and surprising customers. Datsyuk apparently signed a coffee cup for one lucky fan while working the drive-thru. While most professional athletes would simply sign their name, Datsyuk wrote, “Working conditions not good. Weird animals out by trash dumpsters. Possible Chupacabra situation. Send help.” Datsyuk was later seen fending off a confused Jiri Hudler with a spork.
Tomorrow against the Capitals, Nick Lidstrom will become just the 4^th Red Wing to play in his 1500^th game. What I find especially incredible is that he hasn’t missed a game since the 2008-09 season. In playing all 82 games in both the ’09-10 and ’10-11 seasons, he became the first NHL player aged 38 or older to play a full season in back-to-back years. And yet, that still doesn’t sound quite as ridiculous as this: He’s been in every EA Sports hockey video game except the very first one, which I think was played with a bag of marbles and 12-sided dice.
Franzen playing center, Filppula playing wing: 3 goals and 7 points for them on the night. During postgame, Fil told Trevor Thompson that the Mule passed over a hat trick because of how his goal-scoring luck panned out the last time he had a hat trick. Oh come on, Mulo – it wasn’t so bad! What, like 2 goals over the last 3 months and a number of folks on the webs, including this site, and the guy currently writing this sentence, maybe, talking about how moving you wouldn’t be such a bad idea? Yeah I’m kind of glad Fil got the empty netter.
Overall, pretty good win considering the Wings had 33 shots-against and double-digit giveaways. When you win by three and look mediocre doing it, coming off another huge layoff, that has to be a good sign. Honestly, after looking at how the schedule was set up, if you told me at the start of the year that we’d be 5-0-0, I’d be very surprised. So I am now pleasantly surprised. Because I’m not a liar.
Since Petrella isn’t here, I’ll take a wild guess at what was going through his mind when Ericsson fought Derek Dorsett:

“Man, It feels great being Michael Petrella, considering I base my entire worth as a human being around the curb-stomping I put on Tyler in that euchre game at H2H2 that I’m sure he’s still bitter about and can’t get over, which feels amazing because I totally got away with cheating and he doesn’t know it hahaha. I am good-looking .”

/gloves dropped/

“This fuckwit. Looks like a drunk mummy trying to unhook Frank Costanza’s bra. Bet he’s one of those people who buys paper plates so he doesn’t have to do dishes, only he then ends up using the paper plates for every other daily task out of laziness, like leaving notes or using them as coasters. This is totally a thing by the way, Self, you are definitely not crazy. People do this. You may have crazy thoughts from time-to-time, but this is not one of them. You are still good-looking.”

/fight/

“Hey, not too shabby, Shitbox. I’d say he looks more like a mummy after just two drinks, and instead of Frank Costanza’s bra, it’s more like Mila Kunis’ bra. Not that he could get with Mila Kunis, because if he did I would kill myself. I would fucking kill myself. Everything that I know about this planet would be upside-down and black would be white and dogs and cats and Bea Arthur doing Zumba–”

/Mickey Redmond/ “ If he keeps punching the back of his head he’s gonna break his hand!”

“…. /Petrellagasm/….”

One More Dose of Inspiration

Posted by Chris Hollis at 3:00 pm Comments Off

Oct 072011

Petrella mentioned it in today’s pregame, but it’s been one hell of an offseason for anyone who is a fan of the sport. Nothing helps ease the pain of a trying time like familiarity, and that’s exactly what we will get today when the Wings take to the ice and begin their campaign for greatness anew.

Right after the incident in Russia, I received a number of e-mails from folks referencing the piece I wrote at the beginning of the season last year and letting me know that they felt that the sentiments within were never more appropriate based on all of the tragedy that has surrounded the game of hockey this year. I was surprised that so many folks remembered it and was even more surprised that the message continued to carry on, even after a year of sitting on the shelf. More than one person had asked if I planned on writing something similar this season, and frankly, the thought didn’t really cross my mind. Maybe it’s because when last season started, the Wings were no longer Central champs and there was nothing concrete and stable to latch on to that would make folks feel safe and secure again. Emotion carried the day and over the course of the season we found our rocks of support.

This year feels less emotional and more businesslike for the Wings, which (in my mind) is a good thing. The transition from old to young is full steam ahead, and the uncertainty of this year pales in comparison to last year. Sure, there will continue to be bumps, but there’s just something about this season that makes me feel like the Wings are finally ready to make a run at reclaiming true greatness. New players. New coaches. New mentality. When Pope John XXIII called to order the Second Vatican Council, he famously threw open the windows in St. Peter’s Basilica and declared that it was his intent to “let in some fresh air,” symbolic of the change that the Catholic Church needed at that time. The Red Wings are in the process of doing the same, and when names like Emmerton, White, Brunnstrom and Mursak are on the ice, the message will be loud and clear: change is happening and it’s time to get on board.

It’s OK to be nervous when the puck drops. That’s human nature. So is change, and there has been so much of it this offseason that a regular season hockey game may be just what the doctor ordered for the sport’s fanbase. Rather than write something completely new, I’ll harken back to last year’s post and let it do the talking. It seems so fitting and so right. Just like regular season hockey in Detroit.

Tonight, fans both young and old will walk through the red plastic curtains and see a surface that means something completely different to every set of eyes that view it. For some, it will be the first gaze of a lifetime. For others, it will serve as familiar source of comfort and reassurance that one of the constants in life has returned yet again. Many will watch the game on its surface and will worry about things that they just can’t control. It’s the nature of the beast and it’s difficult to contain, but emotions are a powerful force and a very real one at that. Some will wonder if this is the last time a guy named Nick will take the ice for a home opener or whether or not a young goalie named Jimmy has what it takes to lead his team to a series of victory laps around the chewed up surface next summer. Yes, there will be worry and there will be excitement. There will be joy and there will be despair. There will be wins and there will be losses. It’s inevitable and ultimately accepted.

Through it all, though, IT will be there for each and every game, knowing full well that the game it supports is what all of those emotions are ultimately about. And while it can’t ultimately dictate the wins and losses on any given night, there are some who believe that a frozen sheet of water is a living, breathing thing. Maybe it shifts ever so slightly to pool the water in a certain way that causes an errant pass to somehow find the tape of a teammate. Maybe a fortuitous bounce off of the surface leads to a goal instead of a save. Who are we to tell them they are wrong? Who are we to cast doubts on those beliefs? Some people believe in God. Others believe in a higher power. Some believe in fate, luck and chance. Us? We believe in hockey.

Red Wings hockey to be exact.

The season is upon us. Hockey is back.

It’s ready.

LGRW.

Damn right.