TPL maternal figure Kitty Joliet is back to continue what she started. It seems real life…and actual dates with humans…got in the way of her commitment to TPL the past two weeks, but she returns with gusto and with an interesting plot twist today – a non-dismissal! In the spirit of defending the free press, I didn’t’ edit a damn thing here. In all it’s glory…here is Evaluation #4:
Mom returns to the Ice, bruised, but not broken…. determined to find her Prince of Ice Piece. oh, I mean Peace.
Did you miss me? I hope so. I had to put myself on IR, having wrecked my already fragile ankle in a back yard hole tripping incident. No, I was not 3 shots under. Honest, your honor. After days of Ice, Advil and Elevation, I returned to the playing field, but with REAL men. I mean, REAL in the sense that I actually am doing some local date recruiting here in Dallas, and I had to “interview some candidates”. Rob and his brothers call me the dating queen of “one and done”. It’s tournament lingo for you get one date and you get cut if you can’t bring your “A” game. Seems like a harsh strategy, but let’s be honest, I celebrated a milestone birthday last Sunday, and this face ain’t gettin’ any fresher, ya know? So I have to be efficient about my romantic recruiting ways.
But today, I am returning to TPL to finish what I started last month. That is… the job, no the promise, I think I mean the honor… of reviewing the Hot Wings that Rob down selected as date candidates for me. I’m going to warn you…. I’m cranky. I’m damn cranky today. Why? Because, last night, I spent a shower, a shave, and a full hour of hair and makeup prep, plus the cost of a freshly laundered blouse, on a first date that turned out to be the MOST BORING HUMAN WITH A ZIPPER, IN FIFTY STATES! I’m not exaggerating here. A COMPLETE waste of prep time, which by the way took longer than the date itself, which was only 48.5 Minutes. Yes. I clocked it. I could have shortened the event down to 0.5 Min, thus recovering 48 minutes of my precious evening, because I determined in that very first 30 seconds, that this guy was among the “one and done” date circuit casualties in my zip code. But I learned something last night. A. don’t break out a dry clean only outfit until the candidate has at least made it to date #2. and B. Never, never date CPAs who say they are really, really happy to be an internal auditor with the FEDS. Really? And he turned out to be a stiff, homely, intellectual, superior bore? Shocking!.. I’m an idiot.
Good news. This morning, I had a whole new appreciation for Hockey Professionals. I vowed to rethink my policy of cradle raiding, and I really don’t care anymore if the man I fall in love with has all of this original teeth. I will buy him some new teeth. What I want is A MAN. Not someone to balance my checkbook to the last decimal then tell me he has to get to bed early, cause he is meeting with Ben Bernanke in the morning. Guys that work for the FED look and talk and smell like the pistachio painted walls in a 1960s public mens room. Stale, sour and nauseating. Moving on….
So, when last we met… I was down to this triangle of opportunity. Flip, Nick and Rafi. I could just make this simple, and with my renewed motivation, fueled by last night’s train wreck of a date, take ALL THREE OF THESE STUDS… and I think there is a name in “the business” for what happens with a threesome….. but I don’t want these kids busting heads, fighting over who gets the top bunk at our outing, so I am going to continue the due diligence of studying each to decide who really will be crowned the Prince of Ice Piece.
Today, I want to talk about Rafalski. I want to do more than talk. I think I am developing a serious long distance crush on this guy. The more I know, the more I love. Why? Two words: Slow and Steady. If Brian’s approach to foreplay is paced anything like his career, this is my man. Lots and lots of onramp. A slow, patient building of skill and awareness and then YIKES! sustained performance in the big time! Oh, I almost need a cigarette and it’s the middle of the day.
Rafi is just shy of 40.. OK, close enough. He’s tall enough and he outweighs me. Both key stats. He’s a Michigan child who grew up rooting for the team whose Jersey he now wears. Rob and Johnny both cut their teeth in a bungalow on Wilson Street in Dearborn…. How adorable is that!! So much Nostalgia in play here. He played Hockey at… WISCONSIN (there it is again!!) but it’s a Big TEN school, remember. Since the NHL didn’t pick him up, he moved overseas and paid his dues playing in Sweden and Finland. Talk about skill development. You know what kind of skills they develop in Finland. Just look at Flip, for God’s sake. (and we will be looking at Flip in detail, tomorrow…) Detroit Nice Boy meets Finland Fire and grows up on and off the ice. It’s a slow cooker recipe for perfection. Stir in some Vodka…. Ahhhh. Finally, the man inked a $30 MILLION dollar, 5 year contract when he showed up in Detroit in 2007. That, my friends, can pay for a lot of dry cleaning and hairspray, which are big ticket line items in my budget, as we discussed earlier. I’m not saying Brian is my boy, but I do think he is a legitimate contender. Slow, Steady, Handsome, Rich, Local, and a Defenseman. Oh Rafi, come defend yourself against this!! SCORE!