5on5 picks up this week with the fellas from Boston Bruins-loving Days of Y’Orr, who all look like a young lost Affleck brother and can break down those mensa quizzes in American Way magazine like Damon in Good Will Hunting.  We cover old goalies, terriers, fat chicks from the Northeast and that odd stopover for Patty Eaves in Boston.  You can find our answers to their questions here (updated) at DOY.

1. Before we go down the road of age and Detroit and how the two are both inextricably linked and an unquestionably bad thing, at what point are you prepared to acknowledge that the fella between the pipes for you during last year’s SCF run is both an elder statesman (37) and from Michigan? If he were 23 and from Brookline, I’d see your point, but as this guy was the biggest reason you all won the Cup last year, it might be time to revisit that argument.
To be fair, we’re glad that our goaltender isn’t 23 or from Brookline because both have problems. The last thing we would want is our goaltender shirtless on bars with Brad Marchand and Tyler Seguin, letting all those tramps in Boston schmooze all over the guy. We’re cool with Marchand and Seguin doing it, but there’s something different about your goaltender. Your goaltender needs to be an even keel guy who won’t go out of his way to be a pain in the ass. Thomas didn’t do any of that this offseason. We’re not sure what he did, but we’re pretty sure it had him running up the snowy mountains of Russia carrying a log and it ended with a long, drawn out LUONGO!!!!!!

2.  Patrick Eaves had a brief contractual stop in Boston a few years back before coming over to the Wings (thanks for paying part of his salary for the past few years, btw). He’s been in and out of the lineup this year (we’ve speculated on the reasons, wildly), but the man clearly has a place on this team as a skilled grinder who can move up in the lineup if he needs to. Any regrets about not giving Eaves a shot with your B’s?
Many people see Jeremy Jacobs as a cheap ass owner, but if he was so cheap why would he just let Eaves walk? The Bruins are a giving organization. They’re like the Michael Jackson of the NHL…something about players half off? I don’t know where I was going with that one, but yeah about that Tim Tebow!

In terms of Eaves being on the Bruins, we have our skilled grinders, notably Greg Campbell. Not many people were familiar with Campbell when he was packaged in the Horton trade, but he’s been a big addition to the Bruins. He’s a skilled centerman who can play offensively, defensively, fight and kill penalties. Campbell was a big reason the Bruins won the Cup, and yes, I mean Colin.

3. Staying on that Michigan-born goalie thread, just how many shits does Lucic give for that dirtbag hit he put on Ryan Miller earlier this month?
There’s a rumor that Lucic gives zero fucks.

4. I heard a rumor that before the Boston Terrier became so wildly popular among the gay community, it was just called the Terrier. Please either confirm or refute this.
First of all, if we’re going to deficate all over Boston, let’s call it a Bahstahn Terriah. I guess I’m not really up on the name of dogs because I’m too busy watching our sports teams wins. I mean, yeah, the Detroit Pistons had a nice little run in the early -00′s before Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest started a riot and the Detroit Tigers something-something, but the Sox, Celtics and Patriots were too busy winning championships.

It’s a good thing the gay community didn’t name the terrier after Detroit, because based on its non-iced sports franchises it would be called the Shameful Terrier

5. How under-appreciated is Casey Affleck and how often does this topic come up in conversation at Boston bars?
You know, this is quite the hot button topic when you go out to the bars. I’m a married man now, but when I was a swinging bachelor, I’d go out to The Purple Shamrock and start up a conversation with some young slut about Casey Affleck and his role in “Gone Baby Gone”. I mean, that Boston accent, it’s like he’s not even trying!

There’s a movement sweeping through Boston like wildfire though. There are those who believe that Ben Affleck is actually the superior brother, but I ask them: “Have you actually watched Reindeer Games?” Exactly. Sure, The Town was pretty good but the ending sucked.

Casey Affleck deserves a god damn Oscar for his work in that one movie where the guy did that thing in a Boston accent. Yeah, you know the one I’m talking about.

I mean, he’s no Tim Allen, but we all can’t have it that good. {Insert Tim Taylor grunt there}

Like this, but with more bro

With the potential series-clincher on the line tonight in Boston, we dipped back into the well for another segment of 5on5 with our friends Craig and Doug over at Puck Buddys.  As usual, the PB team comes through with the goods…hockey related and not…as we discuss the post-exit grieving process, personnel moves and modern sexuality (what?).  We answered their questions about a week ago.  Now it’s their turn on the hot seat.  Enjoy…

1. Your question to “the writing is too good…which one of you is gay?” …that question itself is about as gay as disco.  Why is it that all gay guys think if something is just a little TOO GOOD it has to be homo?  As reference: “that guy’s too good looking…must be gay; that house is too well put together…must be a coupla fellas that own it.”

PB: Hmmm…sensing some issues here.  Methinks the ladies doth protest too much? Oh, we’re just joshing, don’t get your maxi hockey pads in a wad.  The serious answer is that in the olden days – when teh gayz weren’t all over the place on network TV 24/7 (except Paul Lynde, Liberace) – we felt a real need to work extra hard to prove ourselves.  Sure, everyone’s driven, everyone’s got their own dragons to slay.  But call a gay kid ‘fag’ and he may be inclined to work double-hard to sink that basket, ace that test, or match those carpet swatches.  If only to show you up.  Lesbians have their own issues, but particularly with the expectation that men will succeed and conquer…well, a lot of the older gay guys funneled their squelched sex lives into running faster, earning more, or at least being more witty.  Witness Oscar Wilde: would he have been 1/3 as funny as he was if he were straight?  No, he’d just be the drunk uncle that slurs out the same joke over and over.  And beside, we are just better at some things.  Like self-inflated introspection!  Anyway, the phrase isn’t “ gay as disco,” it’s “gay as a purse-full of rainbows”, Mary.

2. I love the offseason because we start getting into the draft and all the offseason jockeying…moving players around, looking to swap out parts that didn’t work for ones that might.  What’s your biggest need right now?

PB:  The Stanely Cup.  Hahaha…no, we’re serious.  In the largest sense, until the Caps bring the Cup to DC, the seasons could be seen as failures by Caps fans.  That’s an absurdly high hurdle, but it wasn’t set there by the fannies in the seats (a la Red Wings) but by the owner himself, Ted Leonsis.  We’re now six full years into the Capitals rebuild with Ovechkin as the central pillar – like a tent pole, supporting the entire structure, including it seems the coaching and the other players.  As a strategy it may eventually work, like the Wings rebuild in the 80′s.  It took 10 years for Yzerman as captain to hoist the Cup overhead, and maybe Caps fans need more patience and less over-heated statements from Papa Leonsis.  But did the Wings hang everything off Yzerman?  Or Bowman?  I recall more team there.

And that’s the answer: we need team.  Yeah, we could niff-naw about shoring up our lines, our need for a more tenacious defense, or trades and free agent moves by Brooksie, Varly, or Sasha (to just get his Дерьмо together).  Maybe we needed a little less fidgety coach who can adapt to playoff hockey, or players who stick to a game plan which capitalizes where their natural strengths lay.  But that just feels like trimming the hedge.  Our biggest need right now: a team organization from top to bottom with everybody pulling in the same direction.  And to be honest, watching over the past few weeks, it’s pretty clear that the Caps didn’t belong in those final rounds – we never played with the intensity, physicality or grit that we’ve been seeing these other teams exhibiting.

3. Please complete this statement: If you offered Sasha on the open trade market, contract issues notwithstanding, in return you would likely receive ________.

PB: Ten bottles of Popov?  Drinks, dinner, a show and maybe something more than just a kiss goodnight?  A subscription to Glenn Beck TV?

4. Of all the things I loved about living in DC, the summer humidity there in the swamp isn’t one of them.  I instantly burned through a clean shirt and slacks (which I never wore, but just go with it) the second I stepped outside.  Related question – How goes your movement to get people to walk around pants-less as a means to cut down on dry cleaning (from both an economic and environmental impact standpoint)?

PB: Well clearly we’re making inroads on Capitol Hill.  HA! But apart from the occasional “No-Pants Metro” days, it’s not looking so good.  As we write this it’s heading to 100 today.  100 with torpid air you can taste and more moisture than a steam-bath in Hoboken.  Seriously, you can feel the weight of the air when you breathe here, as you probably recall.  The only thing worse than summer in Washington are summer tourists in Washington.  With fanny-packs.  And Ed Hardy t-shirts two sizes too small.

And yet guys are still expected to stroll around in suits and ties – top button buttoned, please.  Is this sensible at all?  Does it perhaps explain what passes for political leadership these days – are our brains asphyxiating in the summertime swamp?  Maybe rather than no-pants, we should try something different.  Like alternate dress days: if you were born on an even-numbered day you wear clothes M-W-F, odd numbers T-Th-Sat.  Sunday’s a gimme.  Or maybe we could all start dressing like they do in Pakistan – kameez and dishdashis?  (Dischdashi?)  I mean, our overseas image would skyrocket among the ‘Blame America for Everything’ crowd.  OK, we’ll stop now.

5. What is your post-season mourning ritual?  How do you get over the loss and move on with your life?   …oh, and who’s your team in the finals? (If you say Boston I will disown you both)

PB: Blogging and trying to cover the off-season as best we can.  There’s also sobbing silently in the car, in bed, in bathrooms at Target.  Yelling at birds (and clouds).  Like we said, grief is a funny thing…if by funny you mean soul-crushing.  We still have our blow-up “Scream” doll dressed in the Caps sweater.  But you know, I think we moved on fairly well.  Shoot, I’ve had bad haircuts that lasted longer…and like hair, our Caps love always grows back pretty quickly.

And we do care about the finals and want to see one team on top: the Greenmen.  No, seriously – we’re pulling for the Canucks for a very simple reason; we hate Beantown. Their fans have to be worse than yours and ours put together, and the people of Boston are under the collective delusion that they’re in a better city than DC.  Better than Hockeytown maybe, but not Hockey Capital.

Below, find part two or our 5on5 segment with On Frozen Blog, where they answer our probing, insightful questions.  Big thanks again to Elizabeth and company for being such great sports.

1. Every Winter Classic road team has lost in the Cup finals that same year (PIT 08, DET 09, PHI 10).  Given the overwhelming sense that history is not on your side this year, do you think it’s still worth playing out the rest of the season?  Are the Caps destined to lose in the Cup finals?
OFB’s Mike: Traditions are made to be broken. Now excuse me while I go burn my Winter Classic jersey.
OFB’s Alex: About a month ago I would have been completely unsurprised by another Caps’ first round exit, but, especially since the trade deadline, I have been impressed to the point of pulling my Stanley Cup prediction out of the recycle bin. And that was Canucks in six versus the Caps. Damn!
2.   How much job security does Boudreau actually have? He’s had some ridiculously talented teams fall very short of expectations. Is it Cup finals or bust this year?
Mike: No. Might be conference finals or bust, though.
OFB’s Lis: This franchise owes Boudreau a lot (see Caps: November 2007 vs. Caps: March 2011), but Boudreau seems to have more job security than Pat Sajak, frankly, compared to most of the NHL. However, with this year’s trade deadline moves, the time for excuses is pretty much out.
3.     Leonsis and Ilitch, our respective owners, have very different styles in terms of blogger engagement. Is it nice having an owner who is actively engaged in discussing his own team or would it be better for them if he were a bit more detached?
Mike: Yes, a thousand times yes: an engaged owner is fantastic. Sure, there have been times we’ve gone against Ted’s grain and rankled him a bit — and paid the price. But overall, an owner like Leonsis is a rare and wonderful thing for any sports fan.
4.      Across the DC sports market, where do the Caps rank in terms of the local teams?
Lis: Let’s see – sandwiched at different points over the past several seasons between Albert Haynesworth, Gilbert Arenas, and the “Natinals,” the Caps have managed to remain the D.C. team with the best record and the least amount of coverage (except maybe for D.C. United).
5. Neuvirth? Holtby? Varlamov?  If/when they’re all healthy, who’s the guy for the playoffs?
OFB’s Andrew, Dissent 1: It has to be Neuvy. I tend to like technical goalies more than athletic ones, and Varly also has a big x-factor: his problems with injuries. People call Matthew Stafford a china doll, but Stafford doesn’t have anything on Varly, who seems to only be able to play for a few weeks at a time. Neuvy has shown he can play under pressure–see his play against the Penguins.  That said, Holtby is quickly jumping up my personal depth chart, and I know Lis has some thoughts on his potential—well, it is really a “love affair”–but I’ll let her explain.
Lis, Dissent 2: Welcome to the OFB civil war. Holtby will be the best goalie of them all, hands down, but Varlamov, if he’s healthy, should get the start. He responds better than anyone on the roster to NHL playoff pressure. Yeah, there have been a few bad outings, but he’ll be playing this year with a much more solid defense and a team that shouldn’t be dragging the series out to 7 games.
Mike, the Voice of Reason: Varly has the biggest upside, but never seems to be healthy. Neuvy is the most consistent. Holtby’s hot right now but makes the other two look like grizzed vets. Thus: Go into the playoffs starting Neuvy, with Varly as backup. Let Holtby lead the AHL Hershey Bears to the Calder Cup, and bring him back to DC next season.
6.      Do they have Buffalo Wild Wings in D.C.?  …and if so, what’s Boudreau’s favorite flavor of sauce?
Alex: There is in fact only one Buffalo Wild Wings inside the Beltway (and several others around). We “understand” Gabby, on his annual April vacation, discovered the robust wild wing flavor.
Mike: Based on the HBO 24/7 series, I’d say Boudreau’s favorite wing sauce flavor is Cookies n’ Cream Ice Cream.
7.  True or False: Jason Arnott, at this advanced stage in his career, is a better fit to replace PJ Crowley than he is on the Caps current roster.
Mike: False; in fact, by Detroit standards, Arnott’s career is just beginning. Though I did hear Lidstrom is a strong candidate to replace Regis.
Lis: Plus, Arnott’s been the Ronald Reagan to ending Alex Semin’s Cold War. So keep Arnott in hockey, please.
8. True or False: The movie Eastern Promises was based on Semyon Varlamov’s upbringing as a Russian mob boss before he broke into the NHL.
Lis: False, but we do suspect Semyon gave Robert Pattinson his big break by turning down the role of Edward in Twilight (see Varly’s roster headshot on Caps’ website).
9.  …and on a Black Swan-related note, Mila or Natalie?
Alex: This is more difficult to figure out than Macaulay Culkin. Seriously, what was he thinking? However, blue-wigged stripper Alice in Closer is making me think twice about Portman.
Married Mike: Neither. Pre-married Mike: Both